Alzheimer's Disease

Comparison of normal aged brain (left) and the brain of a person with Alzheimer's (right).

Alzheimer's disease was first discovered in 1906, when German psychiatrist and neuropathologist Alois Alzheimer opened up his refrigerator and forgot what he opened it for. Unfortunately for him, his wife saw this happen, and it soon became her favorite story to tell on double dates, holiday gatherings, and office parties. Thus, Alzheimer's was born.

Along with erectile dysfunction, Alzheimer's is a disease that only affects men. Most often, the men who receive this diagnosis have wives, careers, children, and property to manage which over time results in a serious loss of global cognitive ability. For those who don't have a PHD, that means the disease turns a healthy, normally functioning man into a bumbling idiot you can't even trust to remember to pick up the goddamn dry cleaning on his way home even though you sent three texts about it.

Fortunately, unlike cancer or getting hit by a truck, Alzheimer's itself can't kill you. What patients have to watch out for are angry wives tired of husbands forgetting to put their clothes in the hamper. They can definitely kill you.

The most common symptom of Alzheimer's is difficulty in remembering recent events. While this doesn't seem like a big deal, forgetting things can often lead to arguments and conflict at work and at home.

Now you might be asking yourself, "What's the difference between having Alzheimer's and every once in awhile wondering where your glasses are only to realize you are actually wearing them?" The answer is that there is no difference, and if you've ever done that, you absolutely have Alzheimer's.

Some other symptoms of Alzheimer's include forgetting where you put your car keys, when Valentine's Day is, or that this weekend you were supposed to visit your in-laws.

The silver lining is that no matter how many times you forget to pick up your wife's grandmother at the airport, you'll never forget your favorite Family Guy quotes or how much horsepower is in a 1979 Camaro.

The best way to treat Alzheimer's is to understand the negative consequences of an angry wife or pissed off boss and focus accordingly.

Because if Alzheimer's goes untreated, not only will numerous families and marriages be completely shattered, but no one will pick up that fucking dry cleaning.