Stopping Nose Bleeds


Dear Doctors Etcetera: 

I’ve heard so many variations of how to stop a bloody nose. Some say tilt your head back, some say don’t. How do I truly stop a bloody nose?

Nosy Woman
Richmond, VA


Dear Nosy Woman

The fact is, I'm probably the worst person to ask this, as my nose has been bleeding nonstop for the last 15 years. You heard correctly: 15 years. Let me put this another way: if my nosebleed were a human being, it would have a driver's permit.

As you can imagine, the hardest part about this whole thing is the inconvenience of doing chores while constantly holding to my lower face a beach towel, which is the only thing big enough and manageable enough to sop up my apparently endless flow of red life.

Can you imagine, Nosy? Food shopping one-handed while the other hand clings to a sopping towel. Cooking, eating, laundering. My sex life is nearly nil, excepting the unfortunate prostitute who must sit atop me while gazing at what is essentially a tapestry of blood. One time, my call girl suggested doing it in the shower so I wouldn't need a towel, but that proved unsuccessful. Have you ever made love while staring into the face of what can easily be analogized to an active volcano spouting, instead of lava, type A-B positive? I'm guessing the answer is no.

She called herself Darla, this prostitute. I last heard she retired from the profession after the night she showered with me and has since been selling drugs in Miami. Cocaine, I think.

This probably isn't the answer you were looking for, and chances are it wasn't very helpful. But I feel it's unnecessary to apologize, and, if its any consolation, know that I envy you. Christ, do I envy you.

Doctor Wayne Franklin
Doctors Etcetera


Too Much Sex?

RG Knight writes:

I am a male in my mid-forties and I continue to be excessively virile sexually. When can I expect a decline in my randiness? I'm a bit old to be still getting in this much trouble. Thank you.


Mr. Knight,

 Mr. Knight, do you live behind these things? Because if not, we don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Mr. Knight, do you live behind these things? Because if not, we don't know what the hell you're talking about.

I'm going to assume you're a prisoner and that this sex is not consensual since that's the only logical reason to want to reduce sexual activity. In that case, this decision is out of your hands. Just cower in the corner of your cell with a blanket over you, snoring as believably as you can. 

If for some reason you're talking about sex with your spouse or with strangers, your randiness will enter a steep decline when you impregnate her and she undresses in front of you during her third trimester. 

Global Acne

Smith writes:
Each morning I awake to find myself when I definitely remember where I left me. Is this causing global acne?


Dear Smith:

This is a very smart question. In fact, it’s so smart, we don’t understand a goddamn word of it. But we’re going to give it a try. Let’s begin by breaking down the first sentence of your question.

“Each morning I awake to find myself”: We don’t see a problem in this at all. In fact, if each morning you awoke to not find yourself, well, then we’d have a problem. You see, that would imply that your spiritual self has separated from your physical self, which is impossible because there’s no such thing as a ‘spiritual self.’ We’re all just a bunch of cells, Smith.

“when I definitely remember where I left me”: Again, where is the problem in this? Your memory seems to be fine, since you can clearly remember things, and the fact that you’re right where you remember leaving yourself is pretty good, too. Now, if you didn’t remember where you left yourself or if you remembered where you didn’t leave yourself or if you didn’t remember where you didn’t leave yourself…Christ, I don’t know.

Regarding the global acne problem: Yes, what’s happening to you is causing global acne. We’ll be flying planes all over this great big world of ours tomorrow and “fumigating” it with a shitload of Proactiv. Expensive, but effective.

Doctors Etcetera 

Bears & Menstruation

YFAM asks:
Do bears only eat women while they're menstruating? What's that itch? Can it be cured by more cowbell? How can I have less of an afro?

 A bear who's all, like, "Where are all the menstruating women?"

A bear who's all, like, "Where are all the menstruating women?"

Dear YFAM:
Thank you for sending us your questions. They’re all very good ones, except, of course, the itch question, which the answer is ‘wicker.’ And the afro question, which the answer is obviously ‘olive oil.’ We’re going to ignore the cowbell question. Christ.

Regarding your bear question: I believe bears do indeed eat women only while they’re menstruating, but the reason is unclear. Maybe it's because bears know they can’t get women pregnant during this time? That if they eat an ovulating woman, then, odds are, they'll get the woman pregnant and the bear will subsequently become a father? Maybe the bear isn't ready to be a father.

No, that doesn't make sense.

But, I ask you: does anything make sense? Not anymore it doesn't. Everything is so confusing.

I guess my point is, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a father yet. Will I ever be ready? Maybe, maybe not. It’s too soon to tell, really. Look, this old bear here can barely take care of his cat, okay? And you want it to take care of a living, breathing human being? 

The thing is, there are just too many goals I want to achieve right now. Too many. Plus, there’s the whole career thing. And besides, a lot of people are waiting until they’re in their mid-30's before having kids. So there’s plenty of time for that later? Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, you know what? You know what, maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I need to grow the fuck up and start thinking about others. I'm so goddamn selfish, I hate myself sometimes. And even now, as I write these words, it all seems so obvious. "I want this" and "I want that." But what about my future? Christ, I'm not getting any younger. Don't I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet someday? Don't I want to have big family get-togethers during the holidays?

You bet your ass I do.

This is my moment, YFAM. My moment to finally get off my high-horse and start think about someone other than myself. You were right all along. Jesus, you were right the whole fucking time. They say love is blind, but you know what? You know what's even more blind than love? Me. Me, YFAM. I was blind to the fact that I do want children. I do.

Listen, I've got to go now. But you take care of yourself. You take care and be well. Be well, YFAM.

Doctors Etcetera