Dear Doctors Etcetera:
I’ve heard so many variations of how to stop a bloody nose. Some say tilt your head back, some say don’t. How do I truly stop a bloody nose?
Dear Nosy Woman
The fact is, I'm probably the worst person to ask this, as my nose has been bleeding nonstop for the last 15 years. You heard correctly: 15 years. Let me put this another way: if my nosebleed were a human being, it would have a driver's permit.
As you can imagine, the hardest part about this whole thing is the inconvenience of doing chores while constantly holding to my lower face a beach towel, which is the only thing big enough and manageable enough to sop up my apparently endless flow of red life.
Can you imagine, Nosy? Food shopping one-handed while the other hand clings to a sopping towel. Cooking, eating, laundering. My sex life is nearly nil, excepting the unfortunate prostitute who must sit atop me while gazing at what is essentially a tapestry of blood. One time, my call girl suggested doing it in the shower so I wouldn't need a towel, but that proved unsuccessful. Have you ever made love while staring into the face of what can easily be analogized to an active volcano spouting, instead of lava, type A-B positive? I'm guessing the answer is no.
She called herself Darla, this prostitute. I last heard she retired from the profession after the night she showered with me and has since been selling drugs in Miami. Cocaine, I think.
This probably isn't the answer you were looking for, and chances are it wasn't very helpful. But I feel it's unnecessary to apologize, and, if its any consolation, know that I envy you. Christ, do I envy you.
Doctor Wayne Franklin