Back Hair

Here, click this to zoom in. See: this hair-removal coupon doesn't include back hair. Do you have one that does? We're just curious is all.

Back hair is a genetic disease in which hair disgustingly grows on a person’s lower, middle, and even upper back. It has been linked to the disease known as shoulder hair.

Typically, back hair strikes around young adulthood—let’s say the age of 19—and is the cause of many symptoms, probably including self-consciousness, although we wouldn’t know for sure because we don’t have back hair. While there is no preventative vaccine for this unseemly illness, doctors have discovered a cure in the form of electrolysis, which we’re really interested in learning more about, but only because we’re curious.

The symptoms of back hair are most likely embarrassment, lack of desire to go to a beach or pool, and the irresistible urge to shave it off despite the rumor that doing so will only make it grow back thicker. Is that rumor true, though? Will it really grow back thicker? We’re asking for a friend.

Perhaps the most excruciating result of back hair is the symptoms experienced by onlookers. Seeing someone else’s back hair can cause:
- Vomiting, because it’s gross
- Recoiling
- Ridiculing
- Pity
- More vomiting
- Honestly, just writing about it makes us sick; thank goodness we don’t have it

Waxing is a proven short-term treatment for back hair; however, the hair will grow back after a certain period of time. The only true way to permanently remove back hair is through electrolysis, which can be extremely costly. Yes, there are Groupons for electrolysis hair removal, but if you read the fine print you’ll see that it doesn’t cover the removal of back hair. Even after a second reading to make sure you didn’t miss it, the terms do not include back hair removal, which is bullshit. We mean, it’s bullshit if you have back hair. Which we don’t. So it’s, like, whatever.