George W. Bush: Angioplastied

 Dr. Finnegan, Urologist

Dr. Finnegan, Urologist

At this point, you’ve probably already heard that President George W. Bush had an angioplasty yesterday. So now would be the perfect time to talk about what an angioplasty is.

So what exactly is an angioplasty? It’s a good question. Or, as they say in Spanish, Una buena pregunta, which kind of sounds like it translates to “A good pregnancy.” But it doesn’t. It just translates to “A good question,” which brings us back to the question at hand: What exactly is an angioplasty?

Where do I even begin?

It’s probably best to start at the beginning. The beginning of the definition of angioplasty.

So here we go. Angioplasty.

The fact is, I really don’t know what an angioplasty is. You see, my specialty is in urology, so I never had to “take the angioplasty course,” as we doctors like to say. But I do know it has something to do with the heart and a medical device called a stint. Stent. Yes, I believe it’s called a stent. But I wouldn’t put money on that.

At this point, you’re probably asking yourself, “Do only republicans get angioplasties?” It’s a good pregunta, but the answer is (probably) no. Angioplasties (probably) have no politics. And (probably) neither should we. We can (probably) learn a lot from angioplasties!

But let’s put the politics of angioplasties behind us and, instead, return to its definition. I just Googled “angioplasty” and here’s what it means, according to Wikipedia:

“Angioplasty is the technique of mechanically widening narrowed or obstructed arteries, the latter typically being a result of atherosclerosis. An empty and….”

So there you have it. Angioplasties. How does that last sentence in the definition above end? I don’t know. I didn’t actually click on the Wikipedia link. I just read the copy under the search result. You see, I don’t have time to click on links. I’m a doctor.

Nevertheless, if there’s one thing we can learn from this George W. Bush episode, it’s this: We should all get preventative stints/stents right now, so we don’t ever have to worry about narrowed or obstructed arteries in the future. It just makes sense.

Or maybe it doesn’t.

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m a urologist.

A Urologist Weighs In On How We Can Defeat The Terrorists

Dr Finnegan.jpg

Hello. My name is Lance Finnegan, and I'm a professional urologist here at Doctors Etcetera. As a urologist, I'm constantly  thinking of ways we can defeat terrorists. In this, my first article, I present to you multiple foolproof ways we can fight those who want to harm us. I'm also providing the one-liner we should say right before performing the valiant action. You're welcome, America.


We detonate a tear-gas-like weapon in various terrorist havens. But instead of tear gas, the weapon releases a special vapor promoting hormone imbalance, the kind that causes cells in the prostate to rapidly multiply, thereby enlarging each terrorist’s prostate. Any future attempt to blow up a plane will be thwarted, as the terrorist will be tied up in the bathroom trying to empty his bladder, thereby missing his chance to detonate the bomb. The crew and passengers will land safely, as if nothing ever happened. Because nothing did.
ONE-LINER: “Nice prostate…mind if I blow it up?”

An undercover agent with a background in urology joins a terrorist cell. He then convinces all the members of the terrorist organization that they have tonsillitis and that he’ll need to perform surgery. But, once each patient is under anesthesia, the agent will forego the tonsillectomy and, instead, perform vasectomies, thereby destroying the terrorists’ hopes of one day producing more terrorists.
ONE-LINER: “Oh, this surgery will make a difference, all right. A vas deferens.”

Same undercover agent type of thing, except he convinces the terrorists that, due to new bomb-detecting technology, the only sure way to sneak in suicide bombs is by inserting them into the bladder with the help of a cystoscope. The agent/urologist then conducts a cystoscopy on the terrorists, but instead of inserting a bomb, the agent injects a rare—but not lethal—bacteria that will be undiagnosable for many, many doctor visits, thereby draining the terrorist organization of its funds due to rising healthcare costs.
ONE-LINER: “Time for Plan B… as in ‘Bankruptcy.’”

We dry up the terrorists’ water supply, thereby destroying the ability for a terrorist to drink the necessary amounts of water to prevent salts, minerals, and other substances in the urine from sticking together, subsequently causing painful kidney stones.
ONE-LINER: “Ever take calculus? Well, you’re about to have renal calculus…which is another name for kidney stones.”

A group of undercover urologists and orthopedic surgeons start a soccer league within a terrorist network until the ACL’s in the terrorists’ knees tear. The orthopedic surgeons perform surgery on the knees; however, due to the terrorists’ immobility, the surgeons will need to insert a Foley catheter through the urethra and into the bladder. The catheter will be harboring E. Coli, the most common cause for urinary tract infections. Our undercover urologists will confirm the UTI and prescribe antibiotics. Except, the prescription won’t actually be antibiotics, but rather a deadly poison.
ONE-LINER: “Take two…and you won’t call me in the morning.”