Memo: Regarding The Miami Heat Debacle

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From the desk of Dr. Marvin Crandle M.D.

To All Hospital Staff,

I’d like to start off by assuring everyone that I’m well aware of what happened this past weekend concerning one of our patients in Building D who had sewn a Miami Heat jersey onto his torso. In moments like this, I’m always grateful to have a staff of professionals such as yourselves who braved this most harrowing of incidents. Even as the patient stormed through the maternity ward in an apparent attempt to catch the last moments of the Heat/Spurs game, every member of this hospital kept their wits about them. Not only that, but all of you made every effort to clean the trail of blood he left behind him as well as attend to the gore he spattered onto the walls while caught in the throws of fandom. It was only after the patient caught the bottom of his autographed Dwyane Wade jersey on a door handle and peeled away 80% of the skin on his back that we were able to safely escort him out of the building and to the nearest sports bar, where he was rendered mercifully unconscious by that miracle we doctors refer to as “blood loss.” He has been returned to his room now, requiring major grafts that could take many years to fully heal. I spoke with him just this morning and he expressed his gratitude to us for our services. He also told me he’ll probably do the same thing again as soon as his back is healed. I wished him good luck, and I’m sure we’re all eagerly anticipating his arrival in a future NBA season. 

Regards,

Marvin Crandle M.D.