Epilepsy

 Left: Listening to Lil' Wayne at low volume can cause a partial seizure. Right: Listening to Lil' Wayne at a high volume can cause your shit to get all fucked up.

Left: Listening to Lil' Wayne at low volume can cause a partial seizure. Right: Listening to Lil' Wayne at a high volume can cause your shit to get all fucked up.

Overview
Epilepsy is characterized by unusual brain activity that causes recurring seizures in the body. Though any kind of convulsion can make you feel like you’re getting the dirt knocked right off your dick, it’s important to note that there are a few non-epileptic reasons for the seizin’.

Alternative ways to catch a case of the convulsions:
- Having a fever
- Taking too much of the bad shit
- Prolonged exposure to jam bands

Some people experience epileptic episodes during childhood, but subsequently “grow out” of them. (Sort of like that period between ages 5 and 7 when you questioned your sexuality because you let the neighbor boy poke your penis.) Others get stuck with the type that’s chronic, which means it can be exacerbated by caffeine, alcohol or listening to Lil’ Wayne.

The good news is, having epilepsy, unlike having sex with your wife, can add spice and variety to your impossibly boring life. In fact, the different types of epileptic seizures have so much erotic promise, you could easily swap the medical terminology for the whimsical lingo found on a whorehouse services menu. Examples:

The Congress
Staring into space at regular intervals. Extra discreet.
The Punisher
Simultaneous loss of all muscle function. Bruising likely.
The Giddy-Up
Violent spasms isolated in one or two parts of the body. Very precise.
Greased Lightning
Stiffening and jerking for 1 to 3 minutes. Drooling guaranteed.

Common Symptoms
Some epileptics report smelling weird odors or having unusual feelings before a seizure hits, but that could be because they’re just pregnant or depressed. For the most part, it’s pretty hard to tell with 100% accuracy when a seizure is about to occur, so it’s a fun surprise for sufferers and onlookers alike!

Did I Have an Epileptic Seizure?
Are you experiencing blurred vision, slurred speech and confusion? Is someone coming at you with a spoon to hold down your tongue because they read about that somewhere? Congratulations. You have, in fact, had an epileptic seizure.

Diagnosis
Even if you flopped around on the ground and everyone saw that shit go down, you still have to get an official diagnosis from the professionals. Your medical team will begin the diagnostic process by administering an electroencephalogram, which is this thing where they squirt KY-Jelly all over your scalp, attach electrodes to it, then make you hyperventilate. Hands down, the EEG is one of the sexiest testing procedures available; plus it provides the perfect opportunity for a bitchin’ cyborg selfie.

Treatment
Drugs can slow or prevent certain types of epileptic seizures, but there really is no cure. Your doctor might tell you something like, “We’re not sure if or when these things will stop.” It’s even more likely that your doctor won’t tell you anything, opting instead for a look of pity and a slow head shake. That’s because doctors are pretty pressed for time and can’t talk to everyone.

5 Ways To Cope With Having Seizures

1. Watch the entire X-Files TV series on Netflix. Remind yourself that aliens are probably real.

2. Always drum on your steering wheel while driving. When passengers try to join in on the dashboard, tell them it’s not their part yet. (Spoiler alert: it will never be their part.)

3. If you have a seizure at the office, explain later that you’re a method actor preparing for an important role. Have a script handy. Whisper that you don’t even “really” work there.

4. Get a “Carpe Diem” tattoo on your chest. Laugh at the inside joke.

5. Spread rubber cement all over your naked body. Cover yourself in a layer of cotton balls, then bubble wrap. Feel safe inside knowing that nothing and no one can hurt you ever again.

Seizure Test
Watch the Lil' Wayne video below to see if you suffer from epileptic seizures. Then read the comments below the video on YouTube to see what people suffering from seizures are experiencing.