New Purell Xtreme Hand Sanitizer Kills Contagious People On Contact

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AKRON, OH—Today, GOJO Industries, producers of skin health and hygiene products including Purell, announced a new line of Purell  hand sanitizer that effectively kills 99.9% of contagious people on contact. The new product is set to hit the shelves this summer.

“At Purell, we’re constantly researching the best ways to stop the spread of germs,” says Purell spokesperson Jillian Ditmore. “And, after conducting upwards of 500 tests, we learned that you in fact cannot spread germs if you’re dead.”

“It feels good,” added Ditmore. “Simply by stopping a contagious person’s heart, I may well have prevented five, ten, possibly dozens, of people from getting the common cold.”

Application of the new Purell product is the same: a healthy person simply rubs a small droplet into his or her hands. However, as soon as those hands come into contact with a contagious person, rather than just kill the virus, the sanitizer goes the extra step and immediately kills the infectious person, thereby ensuring there’s no transfer of germs—at that moment in time and forever more.

Ditmore laughs, “You definitely want to make sure you’re healthy before you apply it!”

Right now, there’s a .1% chance a contagious person will live after coming into contact with the new Purell Xtreme. Scientists at GOJO are currently working to improve the product so that there will be no chance of survival. But R&D at GOJO feels a 99.9% death rate is pretty admirable.

“And the death is almost painless,” says Ditmore. “As it stands, the contagious person will feel only a split-second of excruciating agony throughout their entire nervous system—enough that they’ll wish they were dead; a wish, of course, granted within a split second.”

UPDATE: Citing an inevitable increase in cadaver cleanup efforts for city officials after Purell Xtreme launches, GOJO Industries and Purell are currently working on another Purell product called Purell Poof™ that instantly disintegrates the contagious, turning them into a pile of ash that can be used as fertilizer for the garden. Purell Poof most likely won’t be on the shelves until Fall 2015.