CHARLOTTE, NC—After checking her phone seven times within fifteen minutes, college student Rebecca Benson reportedly concluded on Thursday evening that she would “seriously rather die than see another goddamn social media post about healthy eating or working out.”
Benson’s announcement came on the heels of her decision to have her boyfriend over to cook a Costco pizza and watch reruns of Locked Up Abroad on NatGeo.
“I mean, look at this Instagram photo Dave posted,” said Benson. “It’s a plate of broccoli and a caption that says ‘eating clean!’ Oh, and check it out, he learned a new yoga pose, too. I’ve got another pose for you, Dave. It’s called Get the Fuck Off the Internet.”
Her boyfriend, a local bass guitarist known only as “Skeeter,” agreed.
Sources report that though both Benson and Skeeter have seen their fair share of fitness-centric status updates, third-party map-my-run posts and gym check-ins, the recent uptick in frequency seems to be taking a toll on their emotional well-being.
“It’s for sure an epidemic,” said Skeeter. “If I have to see one more picture of fucking freshly squeezed carrot-apple-ginger juice while I’m dropping a deuce, I’m gonna smash my phone, throw it in the toilet, pee on it and have a nice, long rage-cry.”
Benson, who continued to look at her phone, added, “Like I give a slow, sensual fuck that you just made kale chips and did three miles on the treadmill, Shannon! Ugh!”
Around 9:30 p.m. sources confirmed that Skeeter was tweeting about missing Coachella this year, while Benson was Instagramming several photos of her three-legged cat next to a half-eaten pizza crust.