Kansas City, MO—Mike Gilbert, a part-time audio visual technician, came to a staggering realization yesterday when he concluded that 92% of the women he encounters are on their menstrual cycle.
“I was five minutes late to work the other day, man. My stupid bitch of a boss started freaking the fuck out and I’m all, ‘calm down, what are you bleeding or something?’ She fired me, so I know she had to be on her period,” said Gilbert.
Gilbert added that he’s always been able to tell when a woman is having “that time” of the month. “It’s like a gift I have,” said Gilbert. When pressed for specifics, he revealed that it’s easy to spot a menstruating woman if you look for the signs. “Real simple. If a woman is getting pissed or riled up or crying over some dumb shit, she’s riding that red wave.”
He also claims to have invented a special technique to test his theory on female coworkers and strangers. “Sometimes, I’ll just go up to a chick and be like, ‘hey girl, why don’t you smile’ and she won’t. That’s how I know she’s raggin’ hard.”
To delve further into Gilbert’s understanding of complex biological functions, one reporter showed Gilbert a diagram of the internal female reproductive system and asked him to point to the uterus. “Y’all are some tricky motherfuckers,” said Gilbert. “I’m not a medical expert or nothing, but even I know that’s the thing that hangs down in the back of your throat.”