Yeast Infection

 Your Lady Cave: capable of making humans and a rather fat batch of fungus.

Your Lady Cave: capable of making humans and a rather fat batch of fungus.

A yeast infection, more commonly known by its street name, Baking Bread, occurs in the female genitalia and is characterized by an itching and/or burning sensation and chunky discharge.

The infection can also crop up in your throat, blood, on your skin, or in your pie hole if you’ve been Frenching on some fungus-ridden Downtown Mouth.

Though a yeast infection doesn't typically originate in a male, in rare cases, men can be stricken with the malodorous condition and can spread it to others. Generally transmission takes place because a dude hit That Dank Booty crazy-style, which in this case, refers not to drunken anal sex, but rather, a vagina overrun by Candida Albicans.

A man suffering from a yeast infection may refer to it as Itchy Tip, or, if he’s about to get a blowie from a complete stranger, I’m Sure It’s Nothing. If your husband complains about having Itchy Tip, you can be 110% certain he got it from that bitch-whore Sheila.

Diagnosing a yeast infection can be tricky, because, really, itchy genitals could be caused by almost anything, including: a change in laundry detergent, an STD, that weird new toilet paper you’re using, or being especially ticklish in that area.

Am I Baking Bread on My Body?
The first step toward receiving a positive diagnosis for this type of infection is mulling over the following two questions:

- Do I feel like dying right now?
- Are my privates revolting to myself and others?

If you answered “yes” to the above questions and you find yourself crying on the bathroom floor, it’s probably not a yeast infection. It’s probably just that your husband left you this morning and you’re feeling a little overwhelmed right now, okay?

But if you answered “yes” to the above questions and find yourself crying on the bathroom floor, scratching your crotch and also wanting to buy a Georgia O’Keeffe painting, it’s definitely a yeast infection.

A common misconception is that eating yogurt or spreading it you know where will clear up a raging yeast infection. That has never worked for anyone, you silly hippie!

Over-the-Counter medications include 1-, 3-, 7- and 52-day treatment options* because drug companies have an awesome sense of humor. Don’t worry if you can’t afford the 1-day treatment option, though, because all the others come with an iTunes voucher for one free download of Keith Sweat’s “Make It Last Forever.”

No matter which store-bought treatment you choose, you can rest assured that you’ll still end up visiting your physician to get a prescription. Then, when that also fails, you’ll buy some Japanese mystery powder off the Internet. Will that work? Who knows! Ultimately, you’ll probably just have to ride that son-of-a-bitch out. But you’re used to that to that by now. Just look at how you’ve endured your pathetic excuse for a marriage.

*Available in pearly white cream or pearly white cream inside a cute little ovule. Note: both options include free plastic insertion plungers that you can wash and reuse for your next craft project.